Judge, jury and X-Factor

The all-new (and Louis) X-Factor panel has been announced and just like a hopeful auditionee, we're sure they'll give it 110%.


TV's worst kept secret: L-R Louis Walsh, Kelly Rowland, Tulisa Contostavlos and Gary Barlow.

After months of rumour and speculation, at shortly after 17:30 on
Monday 30th May, the dry ice emerged from the ITV Press Office. The names were read out; Kelly Rowland, Gary Barlow, Tulisa ‘N-Dubz’ Contostavlos and...Louis Walsh. No, it’s not the line-up of a Celebrity Come Dine With Me Special (though that would surely make better telly), this is the all-new (and Louis) judging panel on Britain’s biggest light exploitainment show - The X-Factor.

The youngest member of the judging panel will be at first unfamiliar to most - but don't be fooled. You've heard the music of Tulisa N-Dubz (22) before; not on your own iPod but blasted through a tinny mobile phone loudspeaker the last time you were on public transport. Tulisa N-Dubz will ensure the track-suited masses buy into the franchise. We’re praying to the TV Gods that she gets the Over-28s category.

Louis Walsh (58) - the weakest link of the previous line-up - is of course the only remaining constant between this series and the last. Louis is famed for managing two average singers and their backing dancers - and of course Jedward. These days he is better known for such wizened gems as, "You look like a young Lenny Henry". Expect more prize nuggets from the pop svengali this year.

For the first time in any such series - Popstars, Pop Idol, and X-Factor to date, Walsh is the only non-popstar on the panel. Undoubtedly, Westlife's lucrative zillion consecutive number 1s (of which Simon Cowell took a significant cut) have secured Louis' pensionable position. However, without Simon playing the role of understanding, if not slightly uncomfortable relative, Louis may well be more introverted this year. We already have images of him eating his lunch on his own in the X-Factor canteen.

US import Kelly Rowland is perhaps the biggest new name for X-Factor. As part of multi-platinum selling, multi-Grammy winning Destiny's Child, Rowland tasted global mega stardom. That was until one member left and soaked up the solo-success while the others were left behind in pop music no man’s land. So at least she'll have plenty in common with the final new mentor - Gary Barlow.

The nicest man in pop has been reportedly paid upwards of £1.5 million to step into the shoes and possibly the grey marl multipack t-shirts of Simon Cowell as lead judge. Take That frontman Barlow brings nearly two decades of experience as a singer, songwriter and all the charm and personality of a Leona Lewis tribute act to the famous judge’s table.

Just like an X-Factor hopeful, we’re sure the new panel are going to give it 110%. Filming for the eighth series of The X Facter begins in Birmingham on June 1st.

I Am Number Four

STARRING: Alex Pettyfer, Diane Agron
DIRECTOR: D.J. Caruso (CERT PG, 104 MINUTES)

THE PLOT: Could this be the new Edward and Bella? We think so. Hotter-than-the-Sun Alex Pettyfer plays John Smith, one of nine extra terrestrial teens sent to Earth when their home planet is destroyed. John and the other nine scattered across the world are being hunted down in numerical order by the gruesome Mogadorians (think 7 ft tall alien goths). When John senses that the 3rd of his kind has been killed, he realises his number is up. Literally. He is Number Four.

On the run, John enrolls in yet another high school. Here he deals with all you’d expect; conspiracy theory nerds, territorial quarterbacks and the affections of cheerleader-turned-outsider Sarah (Dianna Agron).

WHAT’S RIGHT WITH IT? For starters it has been produced in the capable hands of two people who know a thing or two about science fiction - Michael Bay (Transformers) and Steven Spielberg (ET).

Secondly, it’s not all sci-fi thriller. In fact it’s your typical girl-meets-vampire highschool love story, except this time he’s not a vampire - he’s an alien (how novel) - but all the trademarks are there. Mysterious new arrival? Check. Superhuman abilities? Check. Everlasting love? Hang on, everlasting love? Well yes, the aliens “mate for life” and that girl from Glee is “the one”. We know, famous last words of a teen romance.

Apart from feeling all too familiar, I am Number Four skips along at the speed of light, giving us just the right mix of teen angst and alien action.

Pettyfer is a real hearthrob in the making doing broody to pined perfection. RPattz watchout.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH IT? Dianna Agron’s ability to portray any genuine emotion appears to have been abducted by aliens and subjected to a lobotomy.

VERDICT: It’s Bella and Edward but with blonde hair and year-round tans. What’s not to love?

Fine Gael announce 'Porn Tax'

Fine Gael have launched plans for a new 'Porn Tax'. The proposals were announced by FG leader Enda Kenny today as part of their 'Get Ireland Wanking" manifesto. The tax on porn usage would replace the TV License. "Since Kathryn Thomas left No Frontiers people have moved to the net for their porn needs", said Mr. Kenny.

The new proposals would protect premature ejaculators as the "content charge" would be based on how much a person downloads to their laptop or mobile device. "Those who take longer to cum, will pay the most", promised Mr. Kenny to a positive response from Dr. Leo Varadkar. Depending on how enabling legislation is designed, the tax could also apply to smartphones,
e-readers such as the Kindle, and to iPad and other masturbation aids.

As the General Election approaches it's climax it seems Fine Gael are determined not be seen as just a pack of wankers.

I sit around all day in my...

Those you can, tweet, those you can't, rant

The above header sounded really good in my head. Anyway, the best thing to come out of TV3 since Lorraine Keane's P45 has got to be mild mannered anchor Alan Cantwell's unabashed Twitter http://www.twitter.com/alanrantwell. It contains all of his opinions that you just wouldn't hear on Midday. My favourite rant so far is the abuse he had for Michelle Heaton-Scott-Lee-Hanley. 'So Michelle Heaton thinks Ireland's too expensive. Last I heard the boat leaves Dun Laoghaire same time every day. Nice trip.' (I hope I didn't misquote too much). Ooer Mr. Cantwell, it's enough to make Cybil Mulcahy blush.

When it comes to the Crunch

OK so I've been a bad blogger lately and some of you have been asking what ever did happen with Gym Guy and I? Well, it's kind of a cause and effect thing going on here - no see Gym Guy, no type random musings. We're trapped in a never the twain shall meet scenario at the moment.

CONS
1) No Gym Guy

PROS
1) I haven't embarrassed myself spectacularly lately
2) My guns are getting pretty big

Speaking of big guns...as the saying goes, there's plenty more gays in the gym. And at Crunch Fitness, it is like shooting gays in a barrel. And so onto my discovery of Gym Guy 2. Now, I know those of you rooting for me and Gym Guy will be disappointed to hear that there's another man on the scene, or at least on the blog but you just can't help to notice Blonde Gym Guy. He is handsome, broody, a bit of a loner type character. And he's blonde. And broody.

Anyway, brief history of Blonde Gym Guy is follows...he was actually in the Crunch before Gym Guy. He's Blonde. He's kinda broody. I wish I could say more but he kinda just comes up to the gym and looks all scowly and hot and Russell Crowe in LA Confidential meets Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain. See, I'm talking mean.

ANYWAY...Saw him today enjoying a frappachino with some girl on the wooden promenade overlooking the Liffey. He was wearing gold rimmed aviators and a checkered shirt - not as hideous a combo as it sounds. And he looked at me. Twice. He knows I exist and I'm certain that somewhere out there, he's blogging about me right now too.

Bruise Foresight

I knew this blood test was going to hurt from the second the nurse started talking about the Eurovision. (How could he have known?)
OK so it looks pretty pathetic in photo (damn flash) but trust me, this is actually the ugliest bruise I've ever had. And I was once a cross-eyed 6 year old with a penchant for tree-climbing.
Click on the photo for full enlarged goriness in HD.
In other news...how cute are my jammies?!